Don't forget to kiss your babies good bye

Sometimes I will write down things and they make better sense. Like lists, I always write lists and then throw them away. Or I won't actually write it at all, I'll write it in my head and that can be enough. I'm writing this for myself. It will most likely be rambling but I want to write out what's in my head. Feel free to continue reading if you'd like.

When I was in 5th grade there was the super shy blonde hair girl who shared a desk with me. We both had a pink flamingo binder. We didn't really start playing together at recess until almost the end of the school year. Not really sure why, except that she was very very shy and she usually hung out with her bff (I can't remember her name) only that was much taller than the rest of us, had brown hair and she had boobs. She was the only girl in the 5th grade who had boobs and so the rest of us were convinced they were fake. I remember a few of us trying to find out and Jaycee leaping to her defense. Those are the things that I remember in about Jaycee before June 10, 1991.

Pretty much as soon as I got to school on June 10th I heard that Jaycee had been kidnapped on her way to the bus stop. The story was that kids saw her kicking and screaming in a car as it passed the bus stop. I remember feeling so scared and so confused. This kind of thing had never ever happened in the small town we lived in. Eventually our Principal came to our class (as well as all of the other classes) to try to calm some of our nerves. She explained that they weren't sure what exactly happened yet and they weren't jumping to the conclusion that she had been kidnapped. They did however have each class take time to talk about abductions and how to keep ourselves safe.

I don't remember for sure, but I don't think they ever confirmed to us at school that she had in fact been abducted. What I do remember is getting off the school bus with my sister and running as fast as I possibly could, completely terrified, to our house. (The bus stop was about 2 empty lots down from our house). I remember going into the house and my mom asked me how I was and I burst into tears. I hadn't cried all day. I remember feeling almost surprised that I was crying. I knew I was afraid and confused but the tears still took me by surprise.

In the following months which turned into years our little town came together as if each family had lost their own child. Doing mail outs, candle light vigils, tree planting in her honor and most importantly praying to God to keep her safe. I have several pictures at normal events where I'm wearing a MISSING JAYCEE t-shirt. It just became a part of our life. And I am sure you could talk to any kid that lived in Tahoe during that time and they can tell you how her abduction, whether they ever knew her or not, affected their life. And it still to this day affects our lives.

My parents became very close with her parents during this time, and in a way it made the whole thing that much more horrific to me. I had a handful of memories of Jaycee before she was abducted and now I was regularly at her house, I was there as America's Most Wanted filmed the reenactment of her abduction, I had a front row seat as her family grieved for her. These are the moments that made the fear that was already placed inside me as it had been every other child in our town, grow and deepen with a vengeance. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the relationship my family built with hers for anything. But the fear that grew is undeniable.

As the years passed and we moved from Tahoe and so did her family. When people would hear about the story for the first time they would always ask what I thought happened to her. This question still baffles me. I could never go there. I was never convinced she was dead, but I was never convinced she was alive either. It was this huge black whole that I couldn't wrap my mind around. It was too hard for me to imagine what was or did happen to her.

As I grew up and had my own children I was once again reminded of how this small town abduction had affected my life. That seed of fear that once planted so many years before once again showed myself. I would randomly think of her and it would bring me to tears picturing it being one of my kids. I didn't want my kids to grow up in fear but I didn't want to ever take a chance on them not being prepared for the worst. I can't tell you how many fights I have gotten in with them over how every other kid can go further than they can, or be alone and they can't. I don't apologize for it.

2 years ago I woke up early and was on the computer, my kids still asleep and Ryan in the bathroom getting ready for work. I read on Facebook that Jaycee had been found. I burst into tears. I wasn't happy or relieved, I was furious. This wasn't the first time a tip had surfaced that seemed like it could be promising. How could someone put her family through this kind of heartache all these years later? As I started searching the Internet for more details the more I saw that this could actually be true. When Ryan came out of the bathroom I was sobbing so hard he thought someone had died. My parents and sister were all at youth camp with no cell phone coverage so I had no one to talk to as the details unfolded who could actually understand the roller coaster of emotions that I was feeling that day. Thankfully there was good old Facebook. Everyone who was from Tahoe or had any connection to this story in anyway was communicating with each other about every new detail that came out. I was glued to the tv and the internet for the next couple days. It was non stop tears for the next few days. The tears of joy that she was found alive were quickly replaced with tears of sorrow and horror as the details unfolded about what her life was like those 18 years.

Last night my family all gathered to watch the Primetime interview with Jaycee. I knew that the tears were going to flow. Out of all the horrific details she shared the one that stood out to me with such devastation was that he used a stun gun on her before he grabbed her and pulled her into the car. I have no idea why this detail was so hard for me. Maybe because between what has already been told and what I could imagine the rest didn't shock me as much. I've heard her step dad recall the abduction time and time again (he watched it happen and couldn't get to her in time) but never ever was there any mention of a stun gun. They were far enough away it makes sense that he wouldn't have seen that.

After all the horrific details that she shared last night (and the many more that are in her book) the thing that I will walk away with is her unbelievable strength. She said "I have my girls to give me strength and my cats to keep me warm. Even if you have one thing to be thankful for that is enough." I hope that every time I (and you too) am faced with something that seems so hard and it's so unfair that we have to deal with this, I pray that her words "even if you have one thing to be thankful for, it's enough" would overwhelm me. If she can endure 18 years of a literal hell on earth I can certainly endure whatever life dishes to me.